I remember that feeling and longing and wanting it all in photography. Feeling helpless, yet inspired; full of ideas, but with no idea of where to start. I don’t know that I ever felt that I wanted to quit, I’ve never had that, but what I did feel was that the mountain in front of me grew in sudden bursts and right before my eyes. As embarrassing as this is to say, I remember Googling: How to become a professional wedding photographer and countless times, at that. I wanted to know the secret. I wanted a manual. Never satisfied, but always going back, I’d continue in my temperamental emotional journey of becoming a professional wedding photographer. I’d look down at the desk, up at Dado, over to my screen, and find dozens and dozens of post-it notes and Moleskine notebooks scattered around me…there would be lists upon lists of things I had to do, wanted to do, and should do…there were products to order, edits to do, things to buy, and things to dream of buying. Then there was Dado. Dado as my business partner, Dado as my best friend, and Dado as my husband. He married me to have a companion, not a grouch. He also had similar thoughts going through his head, his own pressures, and my pressures. On top of that, there was us learning how to photograph well. [Enter stress].
My heart would pick up pace, beat, faster, louder, I’d start to sweat, start getting short fused (with the people I love so much :0( – it’s so wrong, avoid this at ALL costs) then my heart would just sink. I’d feel defeated, crappy, and still pressured. How do I tackle the piles of things to do? How do I attract clients, get recognition in the industry, and be awesome in social media? How do I get interaction on-line? I’d feel this over and over, but I knew I couldn’t go on each night like that, loosing it, one piece at a time. I needed to do something: take a shower, stand up, kiss my husband, kiss my dog, eat (this often won!), pray, love! I found that breaking my panic mode always helped. And so then I would dig for the patience to settle my mind completely, and I’d devote 5 minutes straight to one task. Suddenly, 5 minutes would turn to 30, then to 60 and so on and a task would suddenly be done! Suddenly, I went from a whimpy armed freshy, to a spinach eater with big muscles and a pipe. I was making it happen.
I grew into my shoes like this, and slowly the days got more productive, I got better, and the rest started to fall into place. Relapses happen, doubt squeezes back in, but I beat it all down fast. I look at some of my favorite images: Dado’s work, my work, others’ work…I look for beautiful things around me…flowing fabrics, pretty flowers, jewelry hanging on a rack, wind blown willow trees, and swimming swans. Inner peace starts to settle and I dream of being a Yogi. One day a time, just keep going…invent additional plans, but never back-up plans, you don’t need a back up plan if you never quit. Just keep going until you get it.